Dear Body,
I have been meaning to write to you for some time now, but I was too angry and hurt. You have been a part of me, my whole life and I felt you deserved better than just bitter words. I had to wait until I was able write to you truthfully.
I say you have been a part of me my whole life, but to be honest I haven’t known you personally and intentionally until in recent years.
Your stature is one of the key identifications of my womanhood. One of the only things I’d known about you is that you will carry my children. I always assumed that when the time came, you would just carry my children with ease. After all, you only have 2 main functions in this life; 1. To help me function/live and 2. To help me bare children.
I was very oblivious to the possibility of losing children or having complications in pregnancy.
When I had the ectopic pregnancy, I was caught of guard. How can my body malfunction in this way. When they removed my left tube, I felt insufficient.
Nonetheless, I gave you one more chance. Then my waters broke at 19+5 weeks. I felt like you were sabotaging me and opposing my greatest desire to be a mother. I used to sit and think of so many ways you could have stopped the loss.
Despite all the doubt and fear, I tried again. This time around things were even worse. I talked to you daily, encouraging you to keep my baby alive. Despite my efforts with every scan, things got worse. No amount of treatment helped.
I felt angry, betrayed, and very disappointed. I truly believed that this time, you would get my son to term. Despite all effort, I felt I had no control; you were like a raging sea, we were at war.
I have always had a strange disassociation from you. It’s only in recent years that we’ve grown close. Being abused as a child made it difficult for me to love you. I know it’s unfair because you did not do anything to bring on the abuse. Unfortunately, during the times of abuse I would dissociate from you, and I guess I just started living separately from you since then. I never felt like you belong to me.
I wanted to write this letter to you, because I realise that I have held you accountable for things you were not responsible for. There was no appropriate way to respond to years of abuse. You did what you thought was best. I know now that you were only trying to shield me, and you always did what best for me. Even if that meant erasing the memory of the trauma I endured all those years.
I have also come to the realisation that you protected my children too. You grew them to the best of your abilities. This is how I know this; no matter how bad things became in my pregnancies, my children’s hearts never stopped beating. Even when the waters broke, their little hearts continued to beat. When they tested my children, everything was fine with them, not a single drop of infection. Whatever went wrong is out of your control. I understand now that you probably just need extra help carrying pregnancies. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
With having grown a better perspective now, I can see how hard everything must have been for you. I see the strength you had carrying all that trauma.
I want to reassure you, that you never have to do it alone. I am sorry I blamed you, for malfunctioning, for being overwhelmed with the weight of protecting me from all that pain we’ve been through. I should have been more compassionate.
Body, you have carried me for 33 years, you’ve never complained; when I overfed you, when I gave you toxins, when I neglected you. You have stuck by me no matter what.
I love you so much. Thank you for not giving up on me. My heart is still beating, there’s still breath in my lungs and I am alive and well today because of you. I am grateful for you. I could never have chosen any other body to house me but you- You are perfect, just the way you are!
We still have a long way to go together. I want you to know that from now on, I will treat you with love, care and compassion no matter what. I will listen to your signals, and I will trust you. From now on we are in this life thing together. I am going to allow myself to attune to you. I no longer want to be separate from you, as I did in the years of pain.
I am sorry it has taken me so long to intentionally connect with you, but I am here now, and I am here to stay.