While talking to family today I saw an injured bird struggling outside close to our garden. I stood there looking at it, feeling “not so helpful” because I had no idea how to heal a bird’s wing. It looked like its shoulder had dislocated or something. I slowly walked towards it, to get a closer look at it. The bird started hopping and was flying using its other wing. It wasn’t flying that high, but it was flying.
Eventually, I heard from a family member I was talking to that they saw it getting out of our gate. That bird continued to move forward; even if that meant hopping or flying with one wing!
Watching that bird moved me. At that moment I felt God saying: “move daughter, move my grace is sufficient for you”. I will give you strength to move with your broken wing. Move and I will do the rest, trust me.
Two months ago, I found out I was pregnant. One of the happiest days of my life. We were happy, and “complete”!
The worst was not over yet..
Then, things took a turn… I started bleeding. I went to doctor after doctor, and they all assured me that bleeding sometimes happens during pregnancy. However, I knew something was wrong, but I kept telling myself to stay positive. After 3 weeks of bleeding, I was told I am miscarrying. Which was devastating for all involved. Only to find out two weeks later that I was still pregnant.
We believed that it was a miracle from God. Nonetheless, the bleeding continued. Things escalated so quickly after being told I was still pregnant, that the moment of happiness didn’t last long. I was rushed to the Emergency; it was actually an ectopic pregnancy. Within hours my left tube was removed because there was a rapture. Doctors told me that the emergency surgery saved my life.
Coping with the confusing questions..
How can this be happening? Why would I have to go through this twice and the second time be worse than the first? This journey has been painful, frustrating, and very hard. However, I have NOT stopped believing that God is still good. I am very sad that we lost our baby, but I trust God’s plan for us. The miracle is that I am still ALIVE today!
The most challenging thing this season has been my emotional and mental health. Every day is an upward battle. Thinking too far ahead is exhausting, but taking each day as it comes has been what works best. I still cry and I still have so many questions.
Nature has a lot to teach us..
Whilst observing that injured bird, God spoke to me. He said; “Start moving child, even if you have to crawl forward, MOVE, and you will see how ALL things will work together for your good.” Move with your broken heart, hop if you need to. Use whatever you have left, but don’t let sadness, or pain keep you down too long. I created you I will heal you and make you whole again. Just like the bird as it moves, I am healing it.
Why am I sharing this story? To let you know that if you have ever had a loss, any kind of loss, even those who feel like they have been fighting a losing battle by trying to have a baby, or struggling with their adoption process. You’re not alone. No matter how “Big” or “small” your situation may seem, your pain and feelings are valid. It's hard and the pain is real. Please don’t minimize your pain to make the people around you feel comfortable, allow yourself to feel, and grieve. It’s okay to do that.
To be honest with you, at first, I did not want to release this blog because I felt it was too vulnerable. Writing it made me feel exposed. I think that’s because I am not writing this on the other side of pain, I am still taking steps toward my complete healing, and patiently waiting for my miracle. However, I am allowing myself to be vulnerable in hopes that this may heal someone who is struggling to see past their pain and give them HOPE.
I don’t know how, but I truly believe that all things will work together for our good. We will hold our babies at the end; whether natural, IVF, surrogate, or adopted. Our rainbows are coming, so let’s keep believing! Let’s keep moving and God will take care of the rest, let’s trust Him.
God will use You and Me to create life as His children. Let’s trust that He returns back the joy of our salvation, and restores His peace that surpasses all understanding. Let’s believe that He will restore our identity and free us from anxiety, and obsessive behaviours gained from fear that we may never carry life. May we walk in freedom again, peace, genuine joy, and truly let go.